HAHA I ROCK. Well except for the part where I threw up in the resturant....ya...that was embaressing. But the people were so nice! They brought me hot lemon water and such. It was really sweet of them.

So the weekend with my dad turned out great. We connected and I was able to slap (metaphorically) the people of the church in the face. HA! All it took was not being guilty and just being myself and showing I love myself. I at least earned back the respect of my dad and quite frankly, I don't really care if I don't have the respect of the church.

PLUS we did auditions for the new play. Guess who rocked it? I did! I was so nervous. haha. But I had everyone in shock by the end of it. I am so getting that role. And the best part is, not because I'm in grade 12 drama and that grade 12's get the better parts. NO because I am a great actress. Yes I am! Woot! Just so happy to actually do it really well.

And Dayne talked to me. Just for a bit but I think I've moved up a rung on his scale.

Watched Gossip Girl with Sam. I hate to admit it, but it's pretty good. Chuck Bass is very cute, although he has squinty eyes.

Yah, that annoyed me....

Anywho. I hope we find out who got what parts. I hope Zak gets Alan! He's so amazing at it. (haha Dayne also tried out but he's just too level headed I find to play the part of frantic Alan. And I'm not just saying this because I want him to play a different part!)

One bad thing, Denver cannot play Michele. I'm sorry. You've had three days to memorize lines and yet you still do not even remotly know them (I think I could have said them better and I don't even know that part!) And when you can't take direction from the director, ooo ouch >_<. That's not good. I'm sorry. I know you tried but if you had tried harder you could have been a great Michele I think. But you're just not cutting it now.

Sob* but he's the only one who applied for that part. But I know Mrs. Longley, and I know she will put the perfect people in the perfect roles. I love Mrs. Longley so much! She's such a good teacher and knows exactly how to make things better. haha, she can be annoying sometimes because she really pushes people to do their full potiential. And, of course, some people just don't want that. It's actually pretty funny I find.

I'll go now, sigh why does drama have to be last block? I don't want to wait!

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This is me,

I'm avoiding things

I just want to party and get drunk, but my reason's are not good at all. I want to drink, forget and rebel. To me it's a bad sign. Last weekend I went drinking for fun. To be with friends. Now I want to go to a party I know will not be as tame or as many people I know. I won't be going with someone. I just don't want to talk to dad because he sucks. I...

Dayne will be there as well. But why even try?? Frick it's not like I stand a better chance drunk. He doesn't like me. Period. He puts up with me. But I love him. Or at least I think I do. I probably don't, it's probably some stupid teen thing. I hate it, I love it.

I won't be going. But god I want to. So bad. But there's no way I can go. Not a chance. If I end up going it will probably be my last day of freedom. Grandma will find out somehow. She's already onto me. I want to party so bad.

I'm such a horrible person. So close to being emo.

Why do I bother

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Do you know what I've noticed? This blog only has 28 posts and I've had it for over a year. Reading back on all my old posts was really painful. There so spread out and scatter brained. I tried hiding my identity but really, no one that I know is going to find this blog. So here's an update to clear things up.

My auntie from my earlier posts is actually my grandma. I'm living with her right now. You see I was living with my mom until I decided to move in with my dad. My dad is uber religious and I found out living with him was actually quite sucky. Not wanting to go back to my mom's or remain at my dad's I moved in with my grandma.

So some of my very first posts was during my first year back to high school. My friends were distant and I felt lonely. But after a while they started opening up to me. Over these last few months of the new year, however, me and my friend Kayla (the person who freaked out at Alyssa, "B") because we just aren't compatible friends.

Over the summer I went and saw CATS, our school put it on and I fell in love with it. Especially the character Mr. Mistoffolees. This is when I started to notice Dayne (who played the role of Mr. Misto). And over the summer my crush grew. I even got to see him, both at Safeway and at the music theater workshop I did. (The workshop was fun until the performance day, I got the partner who didn't know his parts.)

When the new school year began I made notes to change myself.

I got a new wardrobe, a new haircut, a new attitude. I re-joined drama and luckily got put in Mrs. Longly's english class. I've started working on Dayne who, I'm sure, knows I like him. And he's started talking to me more.

Now don't go thinking I changed all for him.

No it was for myself. I love the new me. Everything I've done has been for the better. I'm going to reach my goal of getting a good part in Music Theater and of being an awesome actress. Even now I'm still changing and I know it's all for my better.

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• Talk to Dayne more
• Do my part in the play well
• Remember my costume
• Be less bossy
• Be less loud
• Love myself more
• Watch the bonus features on my Cats Dvd
• Write down at least the idea of the story I came up with today
• Amaze people with my Lady Macbeth soliloquy
• Get that treble cleft tattoo
• Get better hand lotion
• Write happy poetry
• Wrap presents for x-mas
  
• Decide on which side to take between my mom and my grandma

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I don't know why I both getting up in the morning. I mean seriously.

All I look forward to in my day is Drama. Let's face it. Drama is my life, but guess what? Life sucks. That's right. I just want this play to be over with already. Sure it's fun, sure it's entertaining but after a while it's just annoying. I really just want to act. Not argue over props, not try and deal with fucking stupid people, not try to get people to learn their fucking lines. It's not that hard people!! I know almost everyone's part, but do you think they could remember their own part? NO. Of course not. It's not even like we have set lines. You just have to remember the story line of the scene and go from there. Improvise people! It's not that hard once you get over your pathetic self.

You know another thing that sucks? Love. Yup, I guess I should have figured it out by now, but guess what? No. I don't even know if I LOVE him or if it's just primal instincts kicking in. I want to kiss him, hold him and whisper things in his ear. But no, it's like a goat falling in love with a sparrow. Guess who the goat is! What can I do? I'm so pathetic. I can't even get an msn conversation started! Do you think someone could love me? Well, things are looking grim.

I just want this over.

But it's not.

Grandma's fighting for guardianship.

Mom cried

Dad yelled

Why can't I be cinderella and just get it over with and marry the prince.

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My home’s in
A world so hollow

You’ll never get
This sorrow unmasked

My selfsame face
Your possession-- you did

That…
that catapulted
Me into This

His energy,
your energy
I don’t know if it helped me
Or broke me
You re joy
Your laughter which rises filled with your tears

I don’t know where to start

Majesty in Joy…

This one's by me :D

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The words I'd like to say to you

are mute, and best unsaid.

They're going through my mind
but they're stuck inside my head.

Just tell me what you want to hear
and what I shouldn't say.
Show me how to speak to you
and teach me how to play.

The words I'd like to say to you

your beauty scares away.

These words they try to speak
But they don't know what to say.

Just tell me what you'd like from me
and what I shouldn't give.
Show me how to show to you
and teach me how to live.

So take these words and give to them
a heart, a home, a bed.
These words that I can't say to you

are mute,
and best unsaid.


Now do you see why I have a crush on Dayne? I mean, besides being jealous that he can write better than me.

Whoever he was thinking of when he wrote this is a very luck woman, or man I guess.

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Good morning, or afternoon or evening or whatever time you're reading this. I can't believe it's been almost over a month since I last blogged. I guess my life just isn't that interesting. Or maybe I'm just lazy :P

So life's been pretty good, I guess. In drama we've started a new play. Two actually. Although the class has split into two groups so technically I've just started one. It's Cinderella but revised. Cinderella has a pet rock which is really her best friend whom she acidently changed into a rock. I am rock and I am getting damned good at it for only having a small part actually being human. I actually wanted to be Cinderella but I lost at the coin toss. I don't mind. The person playing Cinderella is starting to annoy me, but oh well.

We were actually showing off our scenes to the rest of the class. In the first scene I actually have quite a few lines. But Cinderella cut me off so I couldn't say them. I don't really understand why because my lines really helped develop my character. I actually think she may have done it on purpose but I don't want to asume anything. So for now I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt.

I can't wait to get the play done and start on a scripted play. I'm uber excited. I also can't wait for the monologues. I think I may have a really good one, but I'll have to see. Madie said she was going to do Jack's speal from the Nightmare Before Christmas. I hope so! I love that movie! I'm also hoping the Nightmare Before Christmas will be considered for Music Theater. How cool would that be? Doing NBC on stage???!

G2g, bye!

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Yes I have for the first time ever gone to a party with alcohol. It was fantabulous. Yes I did get drunk, but I'm not a lightweight for sure. I could still walk a straight line and think straight. I just felt dizzy and took a little longer to react. I also become 10x more sarcastic and critical (if that's even possible) and I ramble on because I just say the first thing that comes to my head. (Hey, I figured, I'm drunk no one's listening anyways.) Poor Ryan. He got sick and really started shaking. It scared me! So we sent him home.

I have to say I loved the Island Vodka coolers the best. They were really sweet and didn't taste like cough medicine. Although the porn star did give me a really warm feeling inside after I consumed it. I also liked the Malibu.

Dayne was not there, thank god, because I don't know what I would have said to him in my drunken state.

I do not however, have a hang over. I made sure to eat a lot and drink water. I really crashed afterwards though.

Now I'm trying not to slip up and tell grandma (since she has no idea I went).

I must say, people are really quite hilarious when they're drunk. (Except those people that don't think they're drunk even though they can't talk right and are staggering everywhere.)

Yes so I had a hell of a good time. I'm sad it's over but hope that I'll be able to go to another one in the near future.

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:'( It's over. After months of waiting for it, it's over and done with. My trip to see Cats live I mean. I had such a great time. It was nice to hang out with Madie and Jordyn and Shawna and Areo.

Oh god the sexy cats.

Since we're all perverted old women we spent a lot of the time talking about how tight they're costumes are and about their rippling abs and toned biceps. Yes we have no life.

The actual play itself was pretty damn good too. There were christmas lights up everywhere and the music was amazing. I'm still sad we couldn't get a floor seat, however, as that sexy tugger went in and danced with people. We didn't get to meet the actors but I wish we could have. I would definately recomend this play to go see some time. Especially if your as perverted as I am.

Speaking of Mr. Mistoffelees,

He doesn't like me or he doesn't notice. I don't know. I think I'm starting to become obsesive and it's really bugging me. He came to school with glasses on the other day. I don't know how but yet again he's become so much more sexy. But of course, I have no chance so why do I even bother?

My grandma ripped my heart out with the suggestion that he might be gay. All I could think was "Oh god not another one." as it seems all my crushes turn out to be gay. :'( But oh it's ok because it seems I can always turn to the grade 10's. Seriously, everytime I go to the gym there's some grade 10 there eyeing me up. God, why can't it be Dayne (Mr. Misto) eyeing me up? I don't want some creepy grade 10. Ug, why god? Why can I not ever get the guy I want? Why must I always go for the guys that it seems everyone wants? Why can't I just find some nice geeky guy that's around my level?

I know Dayne is a stupid, jackass...but..but his poetry. I mean, god, it's beautiful. How can someone that into themself create poetry that great? How can I long for him when time and time again I see how much like everyone else he is?

I want it to stop and yet I keep talking about it, don't I?

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ARG WHY DID STUPID SCHOOL HAVE TO START WITH STUPID FRIENDS AND STUPID BOYS, WITH STUPID CLASSES AND STUPID STUPID PEOPLE!!!!

Let's start from the beginning,

Alyssa: Hey, we're having a dinner this friday, want to come?
Me: Oh sure, it'll be nice for us all to get together.
Alyssa: BUT...you have to bring a date.
Me: O_o :'(...but why?
Alyssa: because.

So there I was at work when my friend popped this question out on me. I was slightly horrified and slightly amused. SO I ask sexy Mr. Mistoffolees. YES! I DID IT! BIIIIGGGG MISTAKE!

It wasn't worth they worrying, the stress. He didn't show (I knew he wouldn't). Turns out he may be nice but he's still scum. So I asked Katie and her boyfriend AJ to come with me. BIG MISTAKE NUMBER 2.

Alyssa was furious and is now hatting me. I don't give a shit because they were really nice to have. Alyssa can go to the hospital and see if they can remove the stick in her ass. Kayla too, who wasn't even nice enough to try and participate in the conversation EVEN THOUGH HER BOYFRIEND WAS OVERLY GLAD AJ AND KATIE WERE THERE. Ug, why do I hang out with such bitches??? Holy fuck.

I mean would it hurt them to hang out with a few other people sometimes? AND if they wanted it to be a mature, "grown up people" night then they should have mentioned that in the first place. HELL ARE THEY EVEN CONSIDER OLDER THAN FIVE? I MEAN LETS BE MATURE AND WELCOME PEOPLE HERE!

All Katie and Aj were, were nice. God. They even overlooked Alyssa and Kayla's bitchiness. I had a better time going to the movie with them afterwards than going to the dinner. (We saw Mama Mia, is was amazing!)

Dayne is a pompous bastard and can go fuck himself.

BUT that's not the end of my problems. Because instead of getting attention from this nice, sweet guy I actually like this creeper from work has been hitting on me. He's so gross. I kind of wish he'd get hit by a bus. He was ok at first but now he's just a pain in my ass and I wish he'd stop his sexist, bossy comments. For fucks sake, I'm a year older than him and he's not the boss, thank you very much.

Everyone can go Fucking jump off a cliff.

In nice news, I got a letter from Alysha. There were pictures of her and her boyfriend! ^^ I'm so uberly happy for her! She seems to be doing great!

15 more days until we leave for CATS!!!!!!!!!!!! XD

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Again I will use the amazing power of point form, going only into details of certain elements at the end of the post:

-My ear got so infected I had to cut it out with wire cutters and get antibiotics at the hospital. What a waste of $60. I was cleaning it and everything...

-Went to Animethon OMG IT WAS AWESOME!!! I spent over $400 '_ _ yes I am a obsesive shopper. Had a great time and got amazing catmen pictures.

-My Uncle and Auntie came up with the kids. The house was tottal chaos for 5 days but hell, we had fun. I don't think I've ever been so active.....or ate so much. I think the tottal food bill came to $500. Haha, we eat too much.

-Got a job at Safeway (did I mention that last post? did I also mention it sucks? But I'll live :P)

-Met a boy at Safeway who did a double glance at me as I walked away from him. Hmm?

-Saw the Sexy Catman Mr. Misto but he didn't even smile at me...

-Finally got my tickets to see Cats in October! I can't wait. It'll be so much fun XD

So here's the deal, Misto is incrediably sexy, nice and tallented. He was uber nice when I did the Music theater thing but lets face it, I don't have a chance. What with my no talent act and Ms. Snotnose butting in between I don't even thing I'll be able to get to know him. When I saw him at Safeway he didn't smile or reconize me, at all. Ouch please?

So then here comes Safeway boy. Sweet and nice but kind of clueless. I know he likes me but he tries to act like he doesn't. He won't make the first move but when I try to he's too thick to understand it. Also the fact that he's a year younger than me and I can only talk to him at work really makes thing nausiating. Like seriously? How hard is it to ask him to a movie when you constantly have customers harshing on you?

I guess I'll see him at school but he is a year younger so how weird would it be for me to hang out with him? Ugg, should I even try.

I other news, school is fast aproching (insert bawling me here) I DON'T WANT SUMMER TO END!!!! D': Unfortunately I cannot control time to bring it back and can only embrace the one wonderful thing that comes with back to school....

SHOPPING! :D

Yay! New clothes that actually fit and don't reveal my butt crack! Ahh... I can smell the stores now. Unfortunately my small crack town doesn't have anywhere nice to buy clothes so we're going to go to a close by city that actually does. Woot!

I will now end my post for I have nothing else to say that comes to mind. G'night!

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So much has happened in the last month. It's a bit excessive so I'm going to write it in point (not necessarily in time order but I'll try my hardest).

-Got a job at Safeway that sucks ass but I need the money so I try to hold my tongue

-Got a haircut, I Love it but now my hair's really short.

-Went down to VC for a week with my dad.

-Dad flipped about my cut hair and we ended up having "the talk" and I found out he has a family complex and is as ignorant as hell

-Got to go on rides @ the PNE!!! woot!

-Went to Whistler and had an amazing condo with a view of the whole town

-Had a talk with my mom who is pissed I'm not coming to live with her anytime soon. She sputted off accusations that she could apply to herself.

-Had my friend stay overnight for 2 nights. We has a lot of fun watching Transformers and Cats and such. We also found a cell phone and decided to buy pizza with it.

-I got the top of my left ear pierced, it hurts like hell. Apparently I went totally white when he pushed the needle through. He did ask if I was still breathing. Oh well.

-Did a music theater with sexy Mr. Mistoffolees. We perform on Sat, but I'm not sure if I can make it because I work!!! Ahhhhhhh!!!!!! God Damn my absent mindedness!

-Did I mention how sexy Mr. Mistoffolees is? OMG

So that's about it. So I need to do some major damage patrol with both finding someone to cover my shift and making things up with my mom since I need someplace to stay next week. God, my lazy summer is becoming really hectic.

But only a few more weeks until I can go to the anime convention! Can't wait woot!!!!! Ha! I wanted to talk to Debbie about it but the girl that backed out of it was there so I thought it would be rude. Haha, despite what you may think from reading this blog I am actually a very considerate person.

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Things have been surprisingly good. My temper's been on the edge lately but I haven't killed anyone yet, yay! Not even my friend who blew off edmonton to go to a dinky town midway. Sure I'm pisssed, but I didn't slap her silly. Woot! Progress, slowly but surely.

Anywho, I've got a job at safeway now. They didn't even interview me they just hired me on the spot. Boy was I surprised. Sign, this, this, this aaannnnddd this. Bam! Done. Which makes me kinda nervous because I don't want to be working tons. Just enought to fill my spare time. Besides what's better than making money?

I also order Old Possem's Book of Curious Cats by TS Elliot. I can't wait until it comes in, but it might not come in before I go to my dad's house which makes me very sad :'(. Why do I want this book you ask? It's elementary, CATS!!!! Yes the musical cats. Thought it was entirely written by Alexander Webber? Think again! The lyrics actually come from that book, cool hey?

Cats, so much to say about this magnificent play. So uptune and spectacular. Even the DVD was great, (insert drooling over hot actors in spandex cats suits here). Mmmm.... Munkustrap can clean me any time.

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Sometimes I wonder if I just become friends with people because of my other friends or because my first reaction is so wonderful.

Today one of my friends (we'll call her B) was talking to another one of my friends (let's call her L). B was telling L about how the health nurse was coming in and wondering what question she should ask her. B told L about this hilarious question, she was totally kidding and I don't think the health nurse would care but L flipped. She ranted on and on about how B should only be asking responsible questions and how she was just being imature and stupid.

I felt like yelling at her. I mean, how bitchy was that? It's not that big of a fricken deal. Sometimes I wish she would take the stick out of her ass and just have fun. I hate how she pretends to be the mother of the group she's the youngest one outta all of us. The act is getting old. Even when we're suppost to be relaxing and just being regular teens she has to go and fuck the mood and get all uptight.

Seriously, I love her to pieces but sometimes I wonder how the hell I got to be friends with such a biased jack ass. She isn't open to anything new unless it has to do with her or her future. She's uncomfortable with any concept she can't grasp and just puts it down. I hate how she puts people down. I swear to god, she acts like such a goodie goodie and then she talks about them behind their back! I guess that's hypocritcal of me since right now I'm doing the same thing but I mean gosh, I at least try to be nice, she's a witch!

But it's not like I've ever stood up to her. She'd probably turn the whole damn group against me. Her words are weasles. Bugs that crawl under your skin.

Ok, enough trash talk on her, let me tell you why I still like her and hang with her.

She's really sweet. I know, I know. It doesn't sound like the person I just described, but I swear she can be an angel. She likes helping people out and cheering people up. When B's grandma died she organized a party to help her feel better. And I have to admit, it's nice to have someone so open even if it is trash talk. It's also nice to have someone as level-headed as her at times. Sometimes you need an organized person like L.

So you can see why I'm torn. I'm not sure if I want to be her friend or not. Right now I don't feel like I have a choice. Everyone in the group enjoys her and sometimes I do too. I just don't know what to do.

Another thing, I really wish there was someone who read this blog every once in a while. I don't seem to have any comments at all. Probably no one ever has the time of day to read my blogs. Which sort of ticks me off because if I wanted it private I'd use my journal but I don't want it completely private. I want to be able to get feedback. Oh well, watcha gonna do?

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I have to say, I do like this blog but I always forget I have it! I can say anything about anyone I want because no one actually reads this! But I've said this all before.

Lets start off by bitching about my mom. I love her and all but damn she's too fucking pushy. Now she's fighting for custody over me (or is about too). Am I not allowed to live in happiness which is where I'm at now? She's so damn selfish. Leave me alone! Stupid woman!

Then there's my dad who went all emo on me. Oh boo hoo, Chicca's not going to church anymore. She's going to go to hell and blah, blah, blah. OH WOA IS ME! The only way I'll be unhappy is if I go back into the wretched house. The rules, god the rules. So many of the damn things. Basically the rules are set up so I can't have any fun and so that I'm depressed ALL the time. AND THEN they call it a trial something that's good for me. Oh yes it's so healthy for me to have the stress of a person twice my age.

And the damn people in the church. Oh we love you, Chicca, you're so important to us but we're still going to look down on you and talk behind your back. They're the biggest hypocrites I've ever seen. Love thy neighbor. Well we're not seeing much of that, are we? I see alot of belittling and fake smiles, not much love tho. Don't preach your damed sermon to me, live it yourselves bitches!

I'm not going to become a perfect little house wife. I'm going to become independant and never have to speak to my god damn family again, well except for auntie. She's the only one who gives a damn about me and actually knows what's good for me not her. She doesn't see me as a doll to but on display or a slave to "help" out around the house. She sees me as a girl that needs guidance so she can eventually go out on her own.

And you know what dad? You're more immature than me which is saying alot. Just look at this post! At least I know when to break things off, when to make my move. I try not to let the past stop me from the future. I don't mope over other people's wives. I don't dwell on what could have been. If I do I slap myself and get back to work on what I want to happen. I try and look at other's people feelings which is why I have this blog so they don't have to read the hateful things written here. I don't hold people back. I don't screw with them.

wow that let off alot of steam.

In other news, my friend's got a date 2night. I'm very happy for her and hope it works out. She's such a sweetheart and deserves a good man who can hold an intelligent conversation. Besides I think she needs some action, I know I do. hehe give me some of that top finess any day.

Tennis season is finally here! I'm a bit rusty but I hope I'll get into it soon. I haven't really been able to practice lately because of the fricken rain but it's supposed to be sunny this weekend. I asked my friend to play with me tomorrow (i'm supposed to go to my dads house this weekend but whatever, i'm not going anywhere if he doesn't call). My swings aren't bad when I actually hit the ball. I just have this inexplicible inability to throw the ball straight up when I serve.

God still 20 minutes until I can get out of this hellhole.

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GOD WHY ARE PEOPLE SO MEAN???????

Today I decided to take a look through my sketchbook. I've been drawing a lot lately and I'm very happy because I'm getting better. I'm still not good enough to show anybody though. I pack my sketch book everywhere, so I don't know how they did it. Probably while I was busy doing something else or left it for someone to watch. Luckily they didn't have the nerve to ruin my drawings.

BUT THEY SAID HORRIBLE THINGS! So horrible I won't write any of it here but basically it was a "Diary entre" by me explaining how I like other women and lost my virginity to a horse.

!!!!!!!!!

GOD I'M SO MAD!!!!!!!

I want to kick someone's ass! It's horrible, it makes me want to burn my whole damb book but I can't because I'll never be able to replicate some of my drawings. I have my suspicions, Kelsie (who has a twisted sense of humor and probably ment no harm) or Hilary and Natilie (who are total bitches I just try to ignore without being rude who would try to hurt me). God how can you even write that????

I swear if I find out who wrote it it'll be another strangling episode from grade 7.

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