I am on the computers. I should be looking up digestive disorders but I am blogging instead. (Obviously.) I just don't really feel like learning about diverticulitis, ya know?

So much has happened in just the past while...

I went to a party. I got drunk and a guy gave me his #. Woohoo right? I guess. He's been texting me a lot. I text back to be polite, but honestly... I mean it was cool at first but now I just don't care. It's not the most romantic thing but I should be happy right? I grudgingly text him back. God I was so drunk. What the hell was I thinking? He asked to kiss me. And what do I do!? I say yes stupidly. Now he thinks I'm into him. But I'm not. It was cool talking to him but a relationship no not really. God I'm picky. I want to date I want a boyfriend here one comes up and basically it's thrown in my face and now I'm so not happy. He doesn't live here (luckily) but still. So now what?

God I'm hopeless.

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I'm so hopeless sometimes. I really don't understand what attracts me to different people. Personality? Looks? I was looking up my horoscope/birthchart with this nifty little cd I got from the library. It says that I love quickly, love at first sight you could say. And that at first it's just looks that attracts me but what holds me on to it is their personality. Which is 100% true, because there are so many really looking guys in my school but I maybe glance once and then don't look again. But when I see someone draw, or act, or do something to express them self, I am completely drawn in. It's like I can't stop watching and it horrifies me. Well, wouldn't it horrify you? Feeling something intense for a person who doesn't even talk to you hardly on msn let alone real life? And knows about your feelings (basically) and doesn't respond.

I'm scared of no response.

It's rejection on a silent scale. So, well, I don't want to respond to them. It's a waste. Just a waste... But it's usually impossible. Once I start I can't really stop. I mean come on, I still have feelings for a boy in GP that rejected me and is shallow. So I always think, ha just wait until he sees me now, I am hot. When really who am I kidding myself? I'm not making myself look better in spite (although that's what I tell myself) I'm doing it because I think if I change myself they'll like me...finally.

But love doesn't work like that, or at least, not true love.

But at this point in the game I just want whatever I can get my hands on....

And you have to ask, is it really love if it's one-sided? No. No... How can it be? It is impossible. So technically I have never felt love. Not in that way. I really want to feel love. More than anything, at least to make me believe that one day it'll happen for me. That I won't end up alone, which is one of my biggest fears. How many women have I seen that are lonely? That have no one to hold them or tell them they're beautiful? That have no chance left?

I don't want to be one of those.

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You know what I hate?

Friends, god knows I need them but sometime ARGGGG they're such a pain in the butt!!! After a while it's like "You know WHAT? You SUCK. AND THAT THING YOU DO ACTING LIKE A KID ISN'T CUTE IT'S ANNOYING."

I mean as friends you have to put up with their annoying habits. So I do. I ALWAYS DO. But do you think they could ignore mine? Nope. I get harshed on allllllll the fucking time. Do you think they could be like "Oh hey C! How was your vacation THAT YOU'VE BEEN ON FOR A WEEK AND WE HAVEN'T SEEN EACH OTHER?" but nope it's like "Oh? You were gone?"

I cannot stand it.

I am so not looking forward to going back to school. I officially hate dealing with people. Whether it's that self absorbed bitch in MT or just one of my friends I CAN'T TAKE IT.

sigh.....only three more days of freedom.

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Between Aero and Ry I can't sleep.

I'm talking literally between them, Aero on the left, Ry on the right, in a twin bed. I don't know if you've ever tried 3 people to a bed but it's totally not comfy. Especially for someone like me that likes space.

Me and Aero had got together to make Yakitori because, hey, we like trying new food. It was kind of like tradition to make tempura and other weird Japanese food. It was always Japanese, well except for that one time we cooked pasta. I think it's because we're such Jap freaks that read wayyy to much manga to be healthy. Anywho we made this meal (which was alright, I'd give it a 7) and decided it'd be good fun to invite our friend Ry over who had been gone for like a week.

So he came over and we watched An American Crime and Transformers, while chatting and (me) crying over the really sad parts in AAC. When suddenly it's like, Hey, is Ry going home? Which was actually a good question because Ry staying over night is like Taboo in our group. But we thought, It's just us in someone else's house (Aero was housesitting) What the hell?

So we all get cozied up in bed, but it's all good 'cus Ry's gay and Aero's a girl. It's like 2am. They pass out and I'm stuck in the middle sweating like a pig (because I forgot my pjs and jeans are a bitch to sleep in). Plus both Ry and Aero snore (although not that badly) and Ry twitches slightly (if I hadn't been so tired it'd actually be pretty hilarious). I am so hot and squished that I just fuck it and go sleep on the couch.

But despite that it was a pretty good day. I would have thought Ry would be more cuddly to sleep with but neh. We also started planning a trip to Vancouver which would be so totally awesome. We need to get Aero out of this small fry town. She 's so sheltered! It's quite funny. We'll probably stay in like hostels or something but we're not really sure yet. The only thing we're sure of is that we all need to start working more to pay for it, cus quite frankly, my library job just isn't going to cut it. So I'm going to apply at like walmart and all those fun places, but it'll just be until summer then I'll have more hours at the library and won't have to work a second job.

The trip will totally be worth everything.

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Do you ever notice that your closest friends can be your worst enemies? They know so much about you and spend the most time with you, so of course they know your habits and secrets. And they're the ones that have to deal with your horrible habits. And you deal with theirs. But you don't care, cus they're like your friend and that's just who they are.

But if something ever happens to throw you off the edge suddenly you guys aren't friends anymore.

Well this hasn't happened. You see, last night my friend Ryan slept over. We talked for 6 hours. It was really nice. We talked a lot about our friends and what we like and don't like (the good of course overpowering the bad). He told me about how Tylar thinks I don't like her. But I laugh! because I sort of stay away because I thought she didn't like me. It's funny how you can get so screwed up or think something is worse than it is.

Right now I'm going through an ackward friendship stage. It's the part where you do something that your friends just don't know how to handle so they back away. And it's not to be rude, it's just that they don't know what to do or what to say. And then things get more complicated then they should. All I can really do though is keep being myself and let them see that you know, everything's ok. I don't mind if you can't handle it or don't want to talk about it. But you know, you should. You should tell me how you feel, cus I'm not a spoiled brat that will go off and get offended if you tell me that I'm too complainy or that you aren't comfortable with me talking about seasonal depression. I'm not a kid, and you're my friends so I know you're not doing it in spite but because you love me. I want to be a good friend but how can I do that if you don't tell me when I do something wrong?

Ryan's great. We totally think on the same wave length. I think it's because we're both artists that want to be artists for a living. Because that's what we're pationet about. It was so funny to talk about all these different things that I never knew about him, and I talked about things I knew he never knew about me. Like my depression at my dad's house. I think he's the only one that I've told the complete story too, excluding my grandma. And it was nice. Like it didn't feel like I was bragging about my hard life or that I was going all pity party. I told him the facts, that's it.

We talked a lot about my complaining, since Sam told him she thinks I do it too often. I know I do. But we talked more about why I do. I do it because of my time at my Dad's. I do it because I love acting and if this falls through then who am I? What am I going to do with my life? I can't do anything else, this is what I want. So I get scared. And I show it by worrying, by complaining. I know I shouldn't, but it just comes out. I'm not giving myself an excuse, I'm just telling facts.

I don't want acting to just be a phase in my life, like writing and drawing and music. I want it to be what I am. The way I express myself. I don't want it to get old and die, but that's what everything has done in my life--from ballet to flute to even religion. I don't want it to be just an intrest but a lifestyle. You don't know what it's like. The thrill, the sorrow, the happiness. It goes through me like a wind of warmth. Like I'm on top of the world, like there's nothing I can't do. I've finally found something I'm good at after all these years of wishing there was something I was good at. After longing for that thing that's mine that I can say, "Ya, I'm the drama person." It's been something that I've wanted for a while.

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You know I could go on about how lame valentine's is but you know, that just makes me feel lame.

So incase you're behind on the loop because that's just how great an updater I am here's the scoop:

WE'RE DOING HIGH FUCKING SCHOOL MUSICAL. Ya, that's right. I mean is it not enough that I have to listen to Rylee everyday but now I have to sing hsm songs? Ya it's great. The worst part is-- I'M ACTUALLY STARTING TO LIKE THE SONGS. Yes, it's the end of the world. And I watched hsm 2 and liked it...a lot. I am so uber lame. Oh well.

So I actually want to watch #3. It looks ok. Plus I have nothing better to do with my time. I've been lazing about all day (yes I'm alone on valentine's, go screw yourself). It kind of got to the point where I started another exercise routine cus the hormones or chemicals or whatever like make you happy. It kinda worked but I should have put Fall Out Boy on instead of Linkin Park.

OH and another thing: I FREAKING LOVE FALL OUT BOY. I've kind of been obsessed with them lately and have already bought like two of their cd's with the itunes gift card I got for x-mas. I'm surprised I'm not sick of them yet considering they've been all that I've listened to for the past while (besides like hsm, actually--I kind of listen to them to get rid of hsm).

I'm in dance now. Ya, don't ask. So far I just ignore the fact that I suck and go with it. I'm starting not to care cus all the girls in my class are kinda dumb. And honestly, I love dance so much that I don't give a damn if I'm like the outcast. Actually I kind of consider it a compliment when it comes to a certain group of girls who I'm pretty sure are lesbians and so fucking loud you want to smack them. I don't mind they're lesbians but honestly, we all know, just come out about it instead of pretending your not and then being all over each other.

The best part about new semester is that the really hot polish kid is in three of my four classes.

Oh ya, it rocks.

Except that he's gay...I think, for Dayne as well but watev's. He's still pretty to look at.

Oh and did I mention? Blue eyes on guys are now my favourite after watching Just My Luck and Passendale (AMAZING MOVIE BTW). (GO CANADA)

This post is so random. But lots has happened and I'm tired. So...ya..

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You know what?

I'm a negative person. I'll admit it. I always have and always will be. And you know what? I don't really give a fucking care. To tell you the truth, I like it. Why you ask? Because it's me. That's just who I am. So why should I change my ways for other people who don't understand it. Cus you know what? You don't need to go out everyday and try to cheer me up. You don't need to try and get me to have a positive attitude. Ok? I mean, I know you love me and that's why you do it but don't get mad at me because I'm negative. THAT'S JUST THE WAY I AM.

I love you for being positive. And I can understand why you'd get mad at me. I complain waaaayyyy too much. I get on my nerves too. I'll try to change, but I can't guarantee it. And mostly I complain about things I love. I mean, I love it so much that I just get so emotional when things don't work out. This is why I complain mostly about Music Theater and my friends, because they're important to me. Because there's almost nothing in my life that I love more. They're things I couldn't live without, so excuse me when I get emotional.

I'm a roller coaster. But I'm a teen ager and an actress. Not that that gives me an excuse but maybe you should expect it. I hope I'll get better, but I can't be sure.

I love you guys, but I need time alone......

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Sometimes I wonder why this happens.

You know, love.

It seems pointless yet so necessary at the same time. I can't seem to help it. But you know, I don't really believe it's love. I think love is when you'd die for someone. That's why I just don't get why people are always like, "I Love Him!" when really it's just sexual attraction. It's nowhere close to love.

So you'll just have to believe me when I say, "I don't love you." because, well really I don't. That doesn't stop me from staring at you when you dance, or noticing what you're wearing every day. Actually it's kind of pathetic, but you know, I can't stop. I just can't stop.

But I guess I kind of have to. I mean, you're not really available. And if I'm anything, I'm not a boyfriend stealer.

But is it wrong to just imagine? I mean, that can't hurt anyone, right? You'll never find out, or you already know I have an attraction to you. Actually I think you do know, but I don't think you realize how much you intrigue me. I don't think I've ever met someone like you. Sure I've met some pretty interesting people, but none that does this to my head. Like Andrew, he was an ass, I only liked him cause I was deprived. But you know what? There's so many really good looking boys but I don't know...you, you're different I guess.

But...I don't know, sometimes you feel fake. Like when you act, or put on that egotistic front. (I'm sorry, you're only a mediocre actor.) But I know that sometimes you hate yourself, but I think everyone does sometimes. I want to ask you so many questions, it just seems like, you're battling something, or were battling something. And I wonder, are you really happy? Or are you going through something like what I'm going through? Like it's just a roller coaster. Like one day you're just the greatest but the next you're just nobody. I mean like, lower than nobody, so much that you wish you could just do something to make yourself proud. So you find something to let it all out creatively, and it works, at least, every time you achieve something, but in between you're dead again. So you put your soul into it but, it just seems like no one really knows how much it means to you. They say it's great, oh they love it, but, it just seems like they're only seeing the surface.

I don't know about you, or if this even applies to you, but I'm always just trying to show them. To get them to just SEE it. I don't know if I ever will though...

Hahaha here I am, pouring out my heart to you and you'll never read this...or really care.

But...god I love you.

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THE PLAY IS CANCELLED

yes...........................


..........

......

...


I really feel like crying. Or at least I did, it's been a week since I heard the news. I've tried to move on (we're doing monologues now, yay...)

It's never been that I didn't really want to go to drama...it's a...weird feeling.

But I must say, I'm very good at my monologue.

It's about abortion....

yah...

So it kinda makes me depressed, but technically that's a good thing, cus I'm really feeling the emotion.

It must be horrible.

Abortion that is....

I'm glad I've never gone through it, and I hope I never will.

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So good news first I suppose.

Dayne did indeed get Micheal. He is amazing at it. And uber cute while doing it. This means that I get to kiss him, and hard, as the play asks for it. WOOT. Yes I am excited. 11:11 wishes do come true.

BAD NEWS over the holidays he got himself a girlfriend.

Yes...life sucks ass.

So I'll just have to wait until monday until I can find out who she is exactly. All I know is her name is Natalie. (I had a minor melt down but I'm good now.) I did a tarot card reading (with my brand new spanking tarot card deck :D) and it seems like everything should be ok. I probably won't get to be his girlfriend or whatever, at least not this year, but we've become pretty good friends. We talk on msn and all that shit. It's cool, I guess. This play will just get us closer together.

Like my friend says, Natalie is just another bump in the road.

Haha, I should actually start studying the play. Especially since my memory test is next thursday....

Poor Dayne, he's so nervous about the play. God that boy is cute. And I'll be there to help him through it x3. Yay me!

I love plays.

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