I'm so hopeless sometimes. I really don't understand what attracts me to different people. Personality? Looks? I was looking up my horoscope/birthchart with this nifty little cd I got from the library. It says that I love quickly, love at first sight you could say. And that at first it's just looks that attracts me but what holds me on to it is their personality. Which is 100% true, because there are so many really looking guys in my school but I maybe glance once and then don't look again. But when I see someone draw, or act, or do something to express them self, I am completely drawn in. It's like I can't stop watching and it horrifies me. Well, wouldn't it horrify you? Feeling something intense for a person who doesn't even talk to you hardly on msn let alone real life? And knows about your feelings (basically) and doesn't respond.
I'm scared of no response.
It's rejection on a silent scale. So, well, I don't want to respond to them. It's a waste. Just a waste... But it's usually impossible. Once I start I can't really stop. I mean come on, I still have feelings for a boy in GP that rejected me and is shallow. So I always think, ha just wait until he sees me now, I am hot. When really who am I kidding myself? I'm not making myself look better in spite (although that's what I tell myself) I'm doing it because I think if I change myself they'll like me...finally.
But love doesn't work like that, or at least, not true love.
But at this point in the game I just want whatever I can get my hands on....
And you have to ask, is it really love if it's one-sided? No. No... How can it be? It is impossible. So technically I have never felt love. Not in that way. I really want to feel love. More than anything, at least to make me believe that one day it'll happen for me. That I won't end up alone, which is one of my biggest fears. How many women have I seen that are lonely? That have no one to hold them or tell them they're beautiful? That have no chance left?
I don't want to be one of those.
I'm scared of no response.
It's rejection on a silent scale. So, well, I don't want to respond to them. It's a waste. Just a waste... But it's usually impossible. Once I start I can't really stop. I mean come on, I still have feelings for a boy in GP that rejected me and is shallow. So I always think, ha just wait until he sees me now, I am hot. When really who am I kidding myself? I'm not making myself look better in spite (although that's what I tell myself) I'm doing it because I think if I change myself they'll like me...finally.
But love doesn't work like that, or at least, not true love.
But at this point in the game I just want whatever I can get my hands on....
And you have to ask, is it really love if it's one-sided? No. No... How can it be? It is impossible. So technically I have never felt love. Not in that way. I really want to feel love. More than anything, at least to make me believe that one day it'll happen for me. That I won't end up alone, which is one of my biggest fears. How many women have I seen that are lonely? That have no one to hold them or tell them they're beautiful? That have no chance left?
I don't want to be one of those.
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